


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 160

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [13]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6354508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi-Wan and Boba Fett take a road trip to Jabba's Palace.  Rock music and unnecessary stunts fill their journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 160

TATOOINE - Day 160

If you had told me that after Order 66 I'd be doing donuts in the Dune Sea in a landspeeder being driven by a clone going through puberty, I'd tell you to pull the other one. 

Boba Fett was driving us to Jabba's Palace, where supposedly Luke and Beru were being held. There was an awkward silence during the first leg of our journey until I asked Boba if he was even old enough to be operating a speeder. His only response was to switch on the radio.

"Watch this old man" Boba said, cranking up the music. 

"What?!" I attempted to make myself heard over the bizarre alien rock that was assaulting my ears. 

Boba jerked the controls to the right causing the speeder to tailspin. We made ridiculously fast circles over and over again, as a cyclone of sand formed over us. I felt the bile move up the back of my throat while I desperately gripped the dashboard and realized that flying wasn't the only mode of transportation that I hated. 

With the music still blasting, Boba straightened the speeder out and stood up slightly in order to get a better look at what lie ahead. When he found what he was looking for he sat back down and gave me a smile so evil that I could only compare it to that of the Emperor's. 

"Hold on to your hood, Jedi" he yelled. 

As my teenage tormentor sped on I hoped for his sake that Jabba actually had Luke and Beru safe and sound in his Palace. Otherwise I'd be opening a can of Jedi whoop ass on the lot of them. 

That's when I understood where we were headed. Mustering up my strongest Jedi mind trick I turned to Boba and instructed, "You will not attempt to jump that."

In his flattest android-like voice he repeated back to me, "I will not attempt to jump that."

I loosened my grip on the dashboard and relaxed in my seat.

"I will not attempt to jump that," he repeated once again. "I will jump it, you Jedi jerk! How many times do I need to tell you old man, mind tricks don't work on me?!"

Crap! How could someone so dumb resist the oldest Jedi trick in the book?!

As we approached the Sarlacc Pit, Boba turned the music up louder. I decided the only way to avoid a catastrophe was to change my approach with him. 

"Listen, son," I yelled, "you don't need to try and impress me! I am impressed!" 

"I ain't your son, Obi-Dick Kenobi! Now sit back and enjoy the ride!"

As soon as the landspeeder left the ground I knew we were not going to make it. I foresaw my future and it consisted of being digested for over a thousand years. But with a little concentration and a Force push we made it over the gigantic sand anus. 

Boba looked pale and like he knew what had just happened, but refused to admit defeat. "See! I told you!" his pubescent voice cracked in defiance. 

I switched off the radio and leveled with him, "Boba if you keep trying to jump the Sarlacc eventually your luck will run out." 

"Shut up" was all he said, and for the rest of the trip we rode in silence. 

I had been to Jabba's Palace before so as we entered I thought I knew what to expect. We were of course met by the hideous looking albino, Bib Fortuna. The large penis-like growth that began at the back of his head and wrapped around his neck like some sort of backwards game of autoerotic asphyxiation, always made me gag. 

Bib led Boba and myself into Jabba's main throne room. The fat slug sat in front of an enormous pit which had been dug out of the middle of the room. There was Beru, chained and lying seductively at Jabba's tail. She was wearing nothing but a metallic bikini. I was completely disgusted and aroused simultaneously. 

When Jabba noticed me he spoke in his usual ghetto gangster speak. His droid, TC-70 interpreted, "The Mighty Jabba the Hutt welcomes you to his Palace and apologizes for the mess. He would like for you to capture him a rancor as soon as


End file.
